Not Every ADHD Day is a Quirky Adventure: The Hidden Struggle with Moral Rigidity
- Nisi Bennett
- Apr 3
- 4 min read
Living with ADHD as a woman often looks different than the popular portrayal of someone bouncing between interests or forgetting their keys. Behind the scenes of what might appear as disorganization or flightiness lies a complex internal world—one where moral rigidity can become an invisible prison.
Managing ADHD and The Rigid Moral Compass
While ADHD is commonly associated with flexibility and spontaneity, many neurodivergent women experience the opposite when it comes to their moral framework. We develop strict internal codes about what constitutes "doing the right thing," often holding ourselves to impossibly high standards. This isn't the fun, quirky side of ADHD that gets highlighted in social media posts.
This moral rigidity stems partly from a lifetime of masking and compensating. After years of being told we're "too much" or "not enough," we overcompensate by becoming hypervigilant about our ethical choices. The fear of disappointing others becomes overwhelming, turning into a voice that constantly whispers: "You must do the right thing, no matter the personal cost."
The Self-Sacrifice Cycle
The most insidious aspect of this moral rigidity is how it undermines our ability to practice self-care. Setting boundaries becomes nearly impossible when your brain categorizes it as "selfish." The thought process becomes distorted:
"If I don't help, I'm a bad person." "If I say no, I'm letting everyone down." "If I prioritize myself, I'm being selfish."
Over time, this rigid thinking calcifies into patterns that look like being a pushover or people-pleaser from the outside. But internally, it's a constant, exhausting moral battle that feels like life or death. We're not being passive—we're being paralyzed by our own uncompromising standards.
How This Shows Up in Daily Life
Mental Manifestations
Rumination that can last for days after making a decision that prioritized our needs
Black-and-white thinking about right and wrong with no room for nuance
Constant second-guessing of decisions that benefit ourselves
Overwhelming guilt when we set boundaries, even reasonable ones
Emotional Impact
Chronic anxiety about failing to meet our impossible moral standards
Deep shame when we finally break down from overextending ourselves
Resentment that simmers below the surface but rarely gets expressed
Emotional exhaustion from the constant internal ethical debates
Physical Consequences
Stress-related health issues from chronically putting others first
Insomnia from replaying interactions where we might have "failed" others
Burnout that manifests as brain fog, fatigue, and physical pain
Neglect of basic needs like proper nutrition, exercise, and medical care
The Maturity Paradox
Perhaps the cruelest irony is how this struggle intensifies with age and maturity. As neurodivergent women grow older, our awareness of this pattern increases, but the rigid thinking often remains just as powerful. We can intellectually recognize the need for boundaries while emotionally feeling incapable of implementing them.
The mature neurodivergent woman often finds herself in a double bind: she understands the importance of self-advocacy but feels morally compelled to sacrifice herself. She recognizes the pattern but struggles to break free from it. She knows she deserves better but can't convince her rigid moral framework to allow it.
Finding a Path Forward
Recovery from this pattern isn't about becoming less ethical—it's about expanding our definition of ethics to include care for ourselves. It means recognizing that moral rigidity isn't actually moral clarity, but rather a trauma response disguised as virtue.
For those of us struggling with this aspect of ADHD, healing begins with questioning the origin of these rigid rules. Whose voice is really speaking when we deny ourselves basic care? Is it truly our moral compass, or is it the internalized criticism we've absorbed over a lifetime?
True moral courage might actually look like standing up for ourselves, setting boundaries, and acknowledging that our needs matter too. Perhaps the most ethical thing we can do is to treat ourselves with the same compassion we so readily offer to others.
Actionable Steps You Can Take Right Now
Create a "permission slip" for yourself: Write down explicit permission to prioritize your needs in specific situations. Post it where you'll see it daily.
Start a boundary journal: Document each time you set a boundary, how it felt, and what actually happened (versus what you feared would happen).
Practice the "future self" technique: When faced with a decision to self-sacrifice, ask "What would my future self wish I had done?" rather than "What should I do?"
Develop a personal mantra: Create a short phrase like "My needs matter too" or "Self-care is not selfish" and repeat it when guilt arises.
Use the pause method: When asked to do something, say "Let me check my schedule and get back to you" instead of immediately agreeing.
Steps With Minimal Support
Join online communities: Connect with other neurodivergent women who understand this struggle through Reddit forums, Facebook groups, or Discord channels.
Use accountability messaging: Ask a trusted friend if you can text them when you've successfully maintained a boundary, creating positive reinforcement.
Try boundary scripts: Prepare and practice simple phrases like "I'm not available for that" or "That doesn't work for me" to use in common situations.
Schedule regular self-check-ins: Set a weekly calendar reminder to assess your energy levels and whether you're honoring your own needs.
Utilize time-blocking: Proactively schedule self-care in your calendar as non-negotiable appointments with yourself.
Steps With Professional Support
Seek ADHD-informed therapy: Look specifically for therapists who understand how ADHD affects women and moral rigidity.
Consider medication evaluation: Discuss with a psychiatrist how ADHD medication might help reduce the emotional intensity of boundary-setting.
Work with an ADHD coach: A coach can provide accountability and strategies specific to navigating moral rigidity and people-pleasing.
Join a structured support group: Therapeutic groups for women with ADHD provide both professional guidance and peer support.
Not every ADHD day is about fun hyperfocus or creative tangents. Some days are battles against our own unrelenting standards—but with these concrete steps, we can begin to build a more compassionate relationship with ourselves and create space for our own needs alongside others'.
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